******STOCKINGS STUFFED WITH SPOILERS!******

We of ‘a certain age’ (Gen Xers, Boomers) often look back on certain favorite films from our childhood with nostalgia and forgiveness; dismissing their flaws, leaps of logic and production shortcomings in favor of the warm, fuzzy memories they evoke.  Oh, and then there’s “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1964)…

I can’t remember the actual first time I saw the film, around the age of seven or so, probably on a weekend in December of what must’ve been 1973 or 1974. This was a time when kids’ programming was either top-drawer stuff like Warner Bros amazing Looney Tunes cartoons, which aired on Saturday mornings, or poorly-produced kid-vid crud, like, well, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” which ran at least once a year on local TV during the holiday season.

My sisters and I watched it because, well, there just weren’t a lot of choices then, with only three major TV networks and a handful of local stations. There was no home video (a few years away), and certainly no internet, let alone streaming services (all decades away), so I hope that gives a bit of context, as we take a look into this peculiar childhood trauma of mine called “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”…

“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” (1964)

Directed by Nicholas Webster with a script by Paul L. Jacobson, from a story by Glenville Mareth, the movie opens with TV newscaster Andy Anderson (Ned Wertimer) at the North Pole, making bad frozen food jokes, and interviewing Santa Claus (John Call), Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich) and their elves; all of whom are busy making toys at their workshop in time for Christmas. One of the toys is an action figure of a Martian; a green man in tights, with a cape and what looks like toilet plumbing adorning his head…

Note: The psychic elves slaving away in Santa’s workforce accurately forecast how the movie’s Martians would look. Funny that we see Santa’s digs in the North Pole, yet there’s not a single reindeer in sight, either. I’m assuming this modest, $200,000 budget movie couldn’t afford or accommodate live reindeer.

The news broadcast is being observed millions of miles away by zombified siblings Bomar (Chris Month) and his sister Girmar (Pia Zadora) on the planet Marmar—er, Mars. Their father, the Martian ruler Kimar (Leonard Hicks), is despondent over his near-catatonic children, who are intelligent, but lack creativity or joy. After putting his kids to bed with a Martian ‘sleep spray,’ Kimar finds his goofy, bumbling manservant Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) asleep under a table, and awakens him with a ‘tickling ray’ to put his lazy ass back to work.

Note: Yes, the “mar” suffix to certain Martian names gets old quickly. Actress Pia Zadora, who played “Girmar” (at the tender age of 10), would become a rising star in the early 1980s with a reputation for romance movies (“Butterfly,” “The Lonely Lady”) as well as 1988’s cult classic “Hairspray,” before going into semi-retirement.

Kimar’s wife Momar (Leila Martin) comes home after shopping for new “food pills” (hamburger pills, chocolate cake pills, etc) not realizing that serving their kids pills in lieu of real food is one of the reasons why Martian kids lack spirit and joy.  Kimar vows to seek the counsel of Coachem (Carl Don); an 800-year old dispenser of wisdom who appears and disappears in a puff of smoke, but not before dispensing his advice.

Note: Why Martians would eat Earth food, even in pill form, is one of those nagging little questions this movie is simply not up to answering.

Coachem tells Kimar and the other Martians that the problem with Mars’ children is that they’re fed only facts and information through devices, and not allowed to be children. Coachem tells Kimar that Mars needs a Santa Claus to spark the spirit of materialism—er, joy, in Martian kids.  Kimar then resolves to go to Earth, find Santa Claus, and bring him to Mars—over the objections of his ill-tempered, mustachioed lieutenant, Voldar (Vincent Beck).

Note: Actor Carl Don, who plays the ancient, Yoda-like Coachem, also plays the US rocket expert “Werner von Breen”; the Werner von Braun-like rocket scientist seen later in the film. How and why Coachem appears and disappears in a cloud of smoke is never explained; is he non-corporeal? Is he a spirit?  The movie is nowhere deep enough (let alone equipped) to tackle such a question.

Kimar and his crew fly off to Earth in search of Santa Claus. As they approach the planet, their presence is detected by the United States Air Force, and stock footage of various US aircraft is played. More important to Kimar is finding this Santa Claus on a planet of millions. Voldar compares it to “finding a speck of space dust in a comet’s tail.” Kimar then decides to abduct some native guide humans in order to help him narrow down the search. Voldar makes no secret of his disdain for their mission, as he reminisces about the good old days, when Mars was a planet of war.

Note: Voldar’s observation about Mars being a planet of war is based on the Roman mythology of Mars; the Roman counterpart of Ares, the Greek god of war. None of this will matter to kids who are subjected to watching this movie.

Earth kids Billy Foster (Victor Stiles) and his sister Betty (Donna Conforti) are resting in the woods without a parent in sight (as we did, back in our free-range childhoods) when they’re approached by Kimar and his crew.  The kids are scared, of course, but Kimar does his best to allay their fears, asking them to accompany him to the North Pole to help locate Santa Claus.

Note: The “woods” set where Billy & Betty are introduced looks almost exactly like one of the artificial ‘outdoors’ sets you’d see at Sears or other professional family portrait studios in those days, where we kids used to have our portraits taken in so-called “natural” settings. The fake-looking woods of the movie certainly jog a few childhood memories of those dreadful places, where children’s tears and misery were as abundant as the fake “Christmas snow” or paper “autumn leaves.” 

After landing at the North Pole, the kids escape from Martian custody. During their search for both the escaped kids and Santa Claus, Voldar questions his leader Kimar’s mission for about the 137th time, and Kimar has had it up to his antennae with Voldar’s crap. The Martian leader warns his insubordinate crewman to clam up, or he’ll get a can of Whoop Ass in his stocking for Christmas. Voldar sulks, smirks, and carries on…

Note: The green makeup of the Martians is simply awful. Once again, I realize this was a very low-budget movie shot by a “TV director” (back when there was a real hierarchy between movies and TV, unlike today, when the two are virtually synonmous), but the makeup application is spread too thin, and wouldn’t pass muster for a 4th grade school play these days.

Meanwhile, Billy and Betty are hiding in the snow, where they are terrorized by the most fake-looking polar bear I’ve ever seen in live-action. Hiding in a cave and hoping the snowfall will cover their tracks, Betty spots what appear to be the lights of Santa’s workshop off in the distance. As the kids leave their hiding place (because even they aren’t afraid of that stupid bear-suit anymore), they walk towards the lights, which turn out to be the glowing eyes of a Martian robot named “Torg.” The kids stand in place, mouths agape, just long enough for the slow-moving actor in the awkward, boxy robot costume to grab them and carry them off…

Note: Once again, low-budget and lackluster production values necessitate a generous suspension of disbelief for this admittedly cheap movie, which looked cheap even when I watched it on a 25” Zenith TV as a kid, back in the 1970s. The robot looks like a refugee from a 1930s matinee serial, only less convincing. 

With the kids back in their custody, the Martians locate Santa’s workshop, where Voldar and his henchmen use their blowdryer-looking weapons to ‘freeze’ the elves and Mrs. Claus in place. Kimar reassures Santa Claus the freeze-ray is only temporary, and asks if Santa would return with them to Mars as their guest. Voldar wants to use nastier methods, but Kimar once more puts the kibosh on his hotheaded lieutenant. 

Note: Everyone seems to ‘freeze’ in place just as they’re pointing at someone, even Mrs. Claus.  Guess it makes for a more obvious ‘frozen’ position when someone is raising a finger in protest. 

With the Santa and the kids aboard, the Martians head back to Earth, and when the United Nations gets wind of Santa’s abduction, they seek the advice of rocket scientist “Werner von Breen” (Carl Don again), who urges the US to launch rockets in search of ol’ St. Nick.  Meanwhile, aboard the Martian spacecraft, Santa is making friends of the Martians, as Voldar secretly plots to off the toy man. To that end, Voldar escorts the kids and Santa Claus into an airlock, and tries to space them. As Kimar enters the control room, and wonders aloud where their guests have gone, a smug Voldar confesses his dastardly deed. Kimar loses it, and proceeds to beat the snot out of Voldar.  As their fight reaches a climax, a ho-ho-hoing Santa enters the ship’s control room, along with Betty and Billy. Apparently, Voldar didn’t take into account that Santa has superpowers, such as fitting into tiny spaces, like chimneys… or finding his way out of pesky airlocks.  Naturally, Santa forgives Voldar for ‘accidentally’ trying to murder himself and the kids.

Note: Santa Claus takes passive-aggressive to new heights, forgiving while simultaneously accusing his would-be assassin, all in one breath. And the forced stage laughter of Santa and the kids really grates on one’s nerves after a few seconds. They almost had me siding with Voldar on his airlock idea. Hey, it worked for Ellen Ripley, right?

Santa and the kids arrive on Mars, where Kimar and Momar make he and the kids welcome. Kimar promises Santa that he will have a state-of-the-art toy factory at his fingertips, in order to make toys for Martian kids. When Santa asks when he can leave, Kimar tells him that the job is permanent. Meanwhile, Betty and Billy are similarly despondent over their forced time on the red planet, despite the hospitality of their Martian hosts. Kimar is worried that the Earth children are showing the same unhappiness as his own kids. The only one overjoyed with the situation is Kimar’s buffoonish manservant, Dropo, who decides to emulate St. Nick by padding out a spare Santa suit (I’m sure this won’t come in handy real soon…). 

Note: Dropo was played by Bill McCutcheon (1924-2002), who was a semi-regular on PBS’s popular, long-running kids’ program Sesame Street from 1984 to 1998, appearing as several characters, including Uncle Wally and Mr. Throckbottom. The actor also appeared in the Oscar-winning tearjerker “Steel Magnolias” (1989). 

As the push-button Martian toy factory begins churning out toys en masse, Santa is moping over the loss of his hands-on approach to making toys; missing the personal craftsmanship of his pint-sized laborer elves (ah yes, forced labor; much better). As Santa whines, the nasty Voldar is stewing in a cave with two of his henchmen, Stobo (Al Nesor) and Shim (Josip Elic), whom he recruits in his plot to sabotage Santa’s new toy factory and kidnap Santa Claus, in order to Make Mars Miserable Again…

Note: Actor Al Nesor (1911-1999) takes overacting to the Nth degree in the cave plotting scene. There is such a thing as ‘active listening’ to one’s fellow actors during a scene, as opposed to just waiting for one’s cue to speak. However, as Voldar is grabbing Shim by the collar, Al Nesor as “Stobo” is visibly mugging so hard for the camera that it’s downright distracting; you can practically hear him smacking his lips and rolling his eyes. Nesor comes off like a (very) poor man’s Charlie Callas (Google him, kids…). 

Voldar’s sabotage of the toy factory is quickly discovered, and his kidnapping plot is foiled by Dropo, who took Santa’s place while he magically escaped once again (those doggoned superpowers, am I right?). The climax of the movie sees Voldar sneaking into Santa’s workshop late one night for another shot at offing ol’ St. Nick. But Santa just sits, remarkably composed and blowing bubbles from his pipe, as Voldar enters with his clunky weapon leveled at him. Just then, Voldar is bombarded by attacking toys launched by Billy, Betty, Bomar and Girmar.  Soaked with water guns, and tripping over windup toys, the Martian baddies are defeated Ewok-style by Santa’s new “little helpers,” before being hauled off.

Note: The toy-powered attack scene is reminiscent of a similar scene from the bigger-budgeted (but equally obnoxious) 1992 Christmas comedy “Toys,” starring the late Robin Williams as an eccentric, Willy Wonka-ish toymaker who refuses to allow his toy factory make weapons for the military. The ill-conceived “Toys” was one of the biggest misfires in the otherwise brilliant career of the late Robin Williams (1951-2014), one of the most gifted comics and actors of his generation. He is still greatly missed.

With Voldar and his henchmen out of the way, Kimar realizes he can’t force Jolly ol’ St. Nick to stay on the red planet, so he offers to return Santa and the kids to Earth in time for Christmas. As Kimar and Momar worry about what effect Santa’s departure will have on the rejuvenated children of Mars, Santa himself nominates Dropo as his replacement, suggesting he’d make a fine Martian Santa Claus. The ending then sees Dropo padding out his suit and wearing a fake beard as he prepares for his new role as Christmas-caretaker, as the rocket carrying Santa, Billy and Betty flies back to Earth…

Note: The movie opens and closes with an obnoxious song titled “Hooray for Santa Claus,” where Santa’s name is spelled out cheerleader-style (“S-A-N-T-A”), while being mysteriously mispronounced as “Sant-ee Claus” instead of “Sant-a Claus.” Ever since I saw the movie as a kid, I wondered why the children’s chorus kept mispronouncing the damn name, especially after they’d just spelled it out for us. Composer Milton Delugg (“The Gong Show,” The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade) is credited with the song, which was sung by “The Little Eskimos.” 

The End.

Summing It Up

Even as a kid in the 1970s, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” was a tough watch. I imagine kids today would be challenged just to sit through it, let alone enjoy it. The movie’s hour and 22 minute runtime feels considerably longer, due to some padding (did we really need that US Air Force/NASA stock footage?) and a distinct lack of cleverness, even for a “kiddie movie.” The children’s movies that best stand the test of time assume kids are not feeble-minded. For example, my wife and I find that the old Warner Bros “Looney Tunes” cartoons we watched in our own childhoods still work well enough today on so many levels. 

“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” practically bursts a blood vessel in its manically misguided attempts to entertain through lots of broad mugging, forced laughter, and stale, leaden ‘jokes.’ The movie’s struggling shenanigans remind me of a third-rate birthday party clown trying too hard to make you forget he’s subbing for the really good clown with appendicitis that you originally booked. Nevertheless, this is one of those ‘movies of my childhood’ that, for better or worse, were part of the entertainment tapestry that helped shape my future tastes; even if by negative example. 

Sixty years later, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is too dull, dated and molasses-paced for most kids, but oldsters who remember it from their own childhoods might find value in screening it for a “Bad Movie Night” with like-minded friends. My wife and I went to see a Rifftrax theatrical screening of it once, and it was great, but that was only for the saving grace commentaries of comedians Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. Without that insular padding of wit and mockery, the unembellished “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is practically unwatchable—even through forgiving eyes.

At any rate, the Mystery Science Theater 3000 or Rifftrax versions of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” ease the pain of watching this movie unfiltered; and if you can find them, I’d highly recommend these modified versions of the movie for a nicely snarky seasonal watch.

Happy holidays! 

Where to Watch

You can’t you find “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”?  The movie is available to stream via the YouTube link at the top of the column, as well as Tubi, PlutoTV, SlingTV, Plex, and many others (the MST3K and Rifftrax versions might be found on YouTube, YouTubePremium, or Tubi).  For the truly sadistic, the movie can also be purchased on DVD or Blu-Ray releases via Amazon in many versions varying in quality from low-quality versions to deluxe editions available from several companies, including a pressing from Vinegar Syndrome (prices vary by seller). I personally own the movie on one of its crappier, third-rate, copyright-free DVD releases which were available in the early 2000s, and to be blunt, you REALLY don’t need anything better for this film.